This post was sent to me earlier today via the contact form on my blog by James Forryan. Perhaps inspired my Murli's Down By The Seaside post who knows but regardless I thought it was funny so here it is 🙂 Thank you for sending it in!
Roger stands at the window of his multi-million pound Swiss mansion whilst stroking Norman distractedly. He flicks the exorbitantly and unnecessarily large plasma TV off as he experiences a wave of nausea at seeing Murray lift his boat shaped trophy in Dubai. “Oh well, I already have 7”, he thinks to himself, pleasantly reassured by this reminder of his superiority. He picks up the phone and dials Nadal’s private number
Nadal: Hola, digame?
Federer: Hey Rafa, how are you? It’s Roger, your favourite rival
Nadal: More like my easiest, thought Nadal. Oh Roger, how are you? I thought you would still be in Dubai playing the final today no? – He smiled to himself knowing full well what had happened.
Federer: You didn’t see? I lost in the second round to Donskoy, everyone in the crowd was crying. I think they wanted to call the tournament off but I promised them to come back and win it until 2025 so they carried on
Nadal: How nice of you…you are so humble. I did hear something about this tournament actually, something to do with 3 match points and still losing?
Federer’s knuckles turned white as he gripped his phone but he relaxed his hand as he caught a glimpse of Norman from the corner of his eye.
Federer: Oh yeah, that was me. I wanted to give the crowd more of a chance to see me on court but I miscalculated slightly in the end. At 5-1 up in the 3rd set tiebreak the plan was on track but then Donskoy hit a lucky return winner and my racket made some unforced errors.
Nadal: You mean you made some unforced errors?
Federer: I mean my racket….
An awkward silence threatened to bring an end to the conversation but Nadal had awoken Federer’s petty side.
Federer: I hear you made another final in Acapulco? Really well done on your second final of the year. There must be no shortage of tableware back home in Mallorca…
Nadal: Tableware? I don’t know what is that?
Federer sniggered under his breath at his own joke, completely lost on Nadal whose command of the English language seemed no improved since 2008.
Nadal: Well thank you very much Roger, I just fight every point and I’m very happy with my level. All I want is to be on court feeling healthy and…
Federer: Yes, yes, yes, I know. You say that in every interview. Oh by the way, did you see Djokovic’s smash this week in Acapulco? I couldn’t stop laughing, me and Norman were in hysterics
Nadal: You and who?
Federer: No-one, no-one, Federer said frantically, cursing himself for nearly revealing his unnatural love for the Australian Open trophy.
Nadal: Haha okk Roger. But yes, I saw that smash and it was terrible. How can people say he is the best player in the world, we would never miss that no?
Roger went quiet as he began to have flashbacks of all the times he had seen balls fly off Nadal’s racket and past him as he watched helplessly. He quickly brought the conversation back to happier times just like his psychologist taught him.
Federer: But what a final we played in Australia eh? The two old men putting on a show just one more time for the crowd.
Nadal: One old man you mean no?
Federer: Good one Federer replied, surprised by Nadal’s sense of humour in English. Pity one of us had to lose but as I said in my post-match speech, I would happily have taken a draw.
Federer even amazed himself that he still tried to keep that lie alive. He couldn’t think of anything worse than drawing with him but only he needed to know that….and Mirka to be fair, whom he had woken up countless nights since the final, sobbing after nightmares in which he’d had to share Norman with Rafa. He was getting off track….
Federer: I liked your speech after the match though, must have been hard to be so gracious after being a break-up against me in the 5th set
Nadal: Well, thank you very much Roger. As I said, I was happy with my tournament and I didn’t want to let my emotions overcome me and cry. It is just a tennis match after all, not the end of the world no?
Federer: Are you trying to bring up the 2009 final? You know I only cried that time because I thought about Verdasco throwing away the semi-final against you and was so thankful I wasn’t born with his mental strength.
Nadal: Well that’s fine Roger, thanks for explain me why you cried throughout my victory speech. Anyway, I am out fishing in Mallorca and Uncle Toni gets upset if I leave him alone too long. Thanks for calling and hopefully see you on the clay soon.
Federer: Yes hopefully see you there, Federer said, trying not to let the fear seep into his voice, mentally crossing out clay tournaments from his schedule as the flashbacks returned. Have a good day fishing, tell Toni I say hi.
Nadal: Bye Roger, see you soon
Roger slowly put the phone back on the hook and tried to slow his breathing that had become extremely rapid at the mention of a meeting with Rafa on clay. The last time that had happened was in Rome 2013 and he barely won 2 games. No worry he told himself, if worst came to worse and Rafa was waiting in the next round he could always do another Donskoy. Calmed by that thought he lifted up Norman and cradled it softly in his arms as the sun rose over the Swiss Alps, as he called them, “his Alps”.